Cautions Regarding Domestic Violence
Note: If you experience domestic violence, this online course may not be appropriate for you. For additional resources in the state of New York click here. Please continue reading for more information about what types of behaviors indicate a pattern of domestic abuse.
The NY State Parent Education and Awareness Program has defined domestic violence to be the following:
Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence happens when one person tries to control another person. It can involve hurting the other person. Both men and women can be hurt this way or can be the person doing the hurting. It can be physical, like hitting, slapping, punching, choking, or anything else to cause pain or discomfort. It can be psychological, like making you feel crazy, humiliating you in front of others, or making you feel like you can’t make it on your own. It can be sexual when one partner forces the other into sexual activities against his or her wishes. It can also include things like controlling where the other person goes, not letting the other person see friends or family, or not allowing him or her access to money. DV or IPV is dangerous for the victim, and it is also dangerous and unhealthy for children who see it happen.
If you have experienced these behaviors and feel you are a victim of domestic abuse, this course may not be appropriate for you. For example, the use of anger management techniques will not stop abuse and may even be unsafe and make things more difficult. Also, cooperative parenting is not appropriate when there is domestic violence. Parallel parenting may be the more appropriate way to parent when there is domestic violence or serious health or safety concerns.
The first priority of parent education, as it should be for you, is your safety and that of your children. If you are in a situation like this or feel like you might be in danger because of it, please click here for additional resources.
We also refer to “high conflict” behaviors in this course, which are separate and distinct from domestic violence behaviors. High-conflict behaviors are those of an individual who has an enduring pattern of:
There is high-conflict behavior with domestic violence and high-conflict behavior without domestic violence. They are both perpetrated by one or more individuals with traits of a personality disorder, which means that they lack self-awareness and are unlikely to change their behavior despite negative feedback. Both (with and without domestic violence) are a problem in families and harmful to children.
This course is a valuable resource for those experiencing a high conflict co-parenting relationship. This course would be appropriate if the high conflict behaviors listed above exist your co-parenting relationship.
You should also keep in mind that you cannot control how your children’s other parent behaves or reacts. Remember that it is beneficial to your children even if only one parent tries to follow the ideas and suggestions covered in this online co-parent education program. In other words, it is better to have one parent following the guidelines and suggestions covered in parent education than to have neither parent using healthy parenting practices. However, there may be times when the other parent's behavior gets in the way of your ability to follow the rules and guidelines and use the techniques presented here. You should understand that it's okay and you should just do your best under the circumstances.
Increasing Your Awareness
The Parent Education and Awareness Program is offered to help you become more aware of the aspects of the divorce or separation process that are most harmful to your children and to give you information and ideas on how to better handle this new family situation — both for your sake and that of your children. It is hoped that you will refer to this online class often for support, guidance, and hope, especially when faced with challenges. Remember that while divorce or separation can be a painful experience, both for the adults and the children, there are things that you can do to improve your wellbeing and that of your children.
CAUTION - Read Before You Proceed
If you feel you are the victim of domestic violence click here.
If you feel you are a victim of domestic violence or you have safety concerns for you and your children, this course may not be appropriate.
Please click here for additional resources.
Terms Used Throughout This Course
Definitions of terms used throughout this course
Co-parenting
Co-parenting means parents working together to care for and support their children. After divorce or separation, co-parenting means teaming up to house the children overnight (physical custody) and making decisions about the children (legal custody).
Co-parenting only works if the parents can get along and make decisions together about what is in the best interest of the children. Co-parenting doesn’t work if either parent has hurt the children. It also does not work if either parent is trying to control, manipulate or intimidate the other.
Parallel parenting
Parallel parenting means that parents both care for the children, but they do not work together. This can happen because the parents have a lot of conflict. It could also mean that there has been violence. Parallel parenting allows both parents to care for and make decisions for the children, but without having contact with one another. Parallel parenting usually requires a third party to help the parents communicate and make decisions about the children.
Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence
It can be physical, like hitting, slapping, punching, choking, or anything else to cause pain or discomfort. It can be psychological, like making you feel crazy, humiliating you in front of others, or making you feel like you can’t make it on your own. It can be sexual when one partner forces the other into sexual activities against his or her wishes. It can also include things like controlling where the other person goes, not letting the other person see friends or family, or not allowing him or her access to money. DV or IPV is dangerous for the victim, and it is also dangerous and unhealthy for children who see it happen.
Child Abuse
Child Abuse is when a parent (or other caregiver) does something to hurt a child. It also can be when a parent or caregiver does not do something that a child needs. Maybe that has happened not long ago and bad things were the result. A child could die or be seriously hurt. Or a child could suffer sex abuse. Or a child could be used by an adult in a bad way. It also is abuse if a parent does not do something to stop a bad outcome or the danger of it.
High Conflict
High Conflict in a relationship is when couples have a long pattern of behaving badly to each other, but does not involve situations in which one parent is violent or controlling to the other. They can include
CAUTION - Read Before You Proceed
If you feel you are the victim of domestic violence click here.
If you feel you are a victim of domestic violence or you have safety concerns for you and your children, this course may not be appropriate.
Please click here for additional resources.
About This Course
A Message to Parents
Being a parent has its joys and rewards, but it also requires work and patience and, at times, can be frustrating. When you separate from your spouse or partner or divorce you will face new challenges, both as an individual and as a parent. Your children will also be affected by your breakup and will need your understanding and help to adjust to the family changes. Even though your relationship with your spouse or partner is ending, you will still both be the parents of your children. For the sake of your children, you have to continue to be a responsible parent at what may be a difficult time in your own life.
This online program has been created by merging:
• the New York Parent Education and Awareness Program - which provides information about parenting, and
• the New Ways for Families method - which provides many practice exercises, to support you in developing very helpful co-parenting skills.
This online program is offered to help you better understand the effects of your breakup on your children and to give you information and ideas about how you can make this new family situation easier and more livable for yourself and your children. Your children can come through the separation or divorce process and develop into healthy, well-adjusted individuals. There is a great deal over which you, as parents, have control. This is a summary of the material covered in parent education classes. As you read through it, keep in mind that you, your children, and your situation are unique. Not everything in the course will apply to you or your situation. You need to pick and choose the information that is useful and appropriate for you, your children, and your situation.
What Parents Can Do To Help Their Children
There are three important things for you, as a parent, to focus on to help your children through the separation or divorce and to provide ongoing support:
To help you help your children and work with your co-parent, this class will focus on the four big skills for life that will give you success even in difficult times. We also call these the four New Ways skills because they help you deal with situations in new ways. These are skills you can teach your children. They can learn and use these for a lifetime, especially because they're going to face new situations that none of us have heard of before. They're also going to face difficult situations at times in their life, so learning these skills now, especially in a difficult time, will really help them to have confidence and skills for the future.
The Four Big Skills are:
Over this course you will learn how to use these skills to help you solve problems with your children and with your co-parent, with a sense of calmness and confidence. Using these skills, you may earn the respect of your children and your co-parent – even one who seems impossible. But remember, this class is not designed for situations involving domestic violence, where you are not encouraged to be dealing directly with your co-parent.
If you feel you are a victim of domestic violence or you have serious safety or health concerns for you and your children, this course may not be appropriate. Please click here for a directory of resources for the state of New York.
For a Domestic Violence screening, or if you have any questions
please call Family Kind at: 1-212-769-3057
Note: If you experience domestic violence, this online course may not be appropriate for you. For additional resources in the state of New York click here. Please continue reading for more information about what types of behaviors indicate a pattern of domestic abuse.
The NY State Parent Education and Awareness Program has defined domestic violence to be the following:
Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence happens when one person tries to control another person. It can involve hurting the other person. Both men and women can be hurt this way or can be the person doing the hurting. It can be physical, like hitting, slapping, punching, choking, or anything else to cause pain or discomfort. It can be psychological, like making you feel crazy, humiliating you in front of others, or making you feel like you can’t make it on your own. It can be sexual when one partner forces the other into sexual activities against his or her wishes. It can also include things like controlling where the other person goes, not letting the other person see friends or family, or not allowing him or her access to money. DV or IPV is dangerous for the victim, and it is also dangerous and unhealthy for children who see it happen.
If you have experienced these behaviors and feel you are a victim of domestic abuse, this course may not be appropriate for you. For example, the use of anger management techniques will not stop abuse and may even be unsafe and make things more difficult. Also, cooperative parenting is not appropriate when there is domestic violence. Parallel parenting may be the more appropriate way to parent when there is domestic violence or serious health or safety concerns.
The first priority of parent education, as it should be for you, is your safety and that of your children. If you are in a situation like this or feel like you might be in danger because of it, please click here for additional resources.
We also refer to “high conflict” behaviors in this course, which are separate and distinct from domestic violence behaviors. High-conflict behaviors are those of an individual who has an enduring pattern of:
- preoccupation with blaming others,
- all-or-nothing thinking,
- unmanaged emotions and
- extreme behavior.
There is high-conflict behavior with domestic violence and high-conflict behavior without domestic violence. They are both perpetrated by one or more individuals with traits of a personality disorder, which means that they lack self-awareness and are unlikely to change their behavior despite negative feedback. Both (with and without domestic violence) are a problem in families and harmful to children.
This course is a valuable resource for those experiencing a high conflict co-parenting relationship. This course would be appropriate if the high conflict behaviors listed above exist your co-parenting relationship.
You should also keep in mind that you cannot control how your children’s other parent behaves or reacts. Remember that it is beneficial to your children even if only one parent tries to follow the ideas and suggestions covered in this online co-parent education program. In other words, it is better to have one parent following the guidelines and suggestions covered in parent education than to have neither parent using healthy parenting practices. However, there may be times when the other parent's behavior gets in the way of your ability to follow the rules and guidelines and use the techniques presented here. You should understand that it's okay and you should just do your best under the circumstances.
Increasing Your Awareness
The Parent Education and Awareness Program is offered to help you become more aware of the aspects of the divorce or separation process that are most harmful to your children and to give you information and ideas on how to better handle this new family situation — both for your sake and that of your children. It is hoped that you will refer to this online class often for support, guidance, and hope, especially when faced with challenges. Remember that while divorce or separation can be a painful experience, both for the adults and the children, there are things that you can do to improve your wellbeing and that of your children.
CAUTION - Read Before You Proceed
If you feel you are the victim of domestic violence click here.
If you feel you are a victim of domestic violence or you have safety concerns for you and your children, this course may not be appropriate.
Please click here for additional resources.
Terms Used Throughout This Course
Definitions of terms used throughout this course
Co-parenting
Co-parenting means parents working together to care for and support their children. After divorce or separation, co-parenting means teaming up to house the children overnight (physical custody) and making decisions about the children (legal custody).
Co-parenting only works if the parents can get along and make decisions together about what is in the best interest of the children. Co-parenting doesn’t work if either parent has hurt the children. It also does not work if either parent is trying to control, manipulate or intimidate the other.
Parallel parenting
Parallel parenting means that parents both care for the children, but they do not work together. This can happen because the parents have a lot of conflict. It could also mean that there has been violence. Parallel parenting allows both parents to care for and make decisions for the children, but without having contact with one another. Parallel parenting usually requires a third party to help the parents communicate and make decisions about the children.
Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence
It can be physical, like hitting, slapping, punching, choking, or anything else to cause pain or discomfort. It can be psychological, like making you feel crazy, humiliating you in front of others, or making you feel like you can’t make it on your own. It can be sexual when one partner forces the other into sexual activities against his or her wishes. It can also include things like controlling where the other person goes, not letting the other person see friends or family, or not allowing him or her access to money. DV or IPV is dangerous for the victim, and it is also dangerous and unhealthy for children who see it happen.
Child Abuse
Child Abuse is when a parent (or other caregiver) does something to hurt a child. It also can be when a parent or caregiver does not do something that a child needs. Maybe that has happened not long ago and bad things were the result. A child could die or be seriously hurt. Or a child could suffer sex abuse. Or a child could be used by an adult in a bad way. It also is abuse if a parent does not do something to stop a bad outcome or the danger of it.
High Conflict
High Conflict in a relationship is when couples have a long pattern of behaving badly to each other, but does not involve situations in which one parent is violent or controlling to the other. They can include
- always blaming each other,
- thinking in black-and-white ways and not being flexible,
- emotions getting out of control, and
- conflict behaviors that keep getting stronger and more likely to lead to violence.
CAUTION - Read Before You Proceed
If you feel you are the victim of domestic violence click here.
If you feel you are a victim of domestic violence or you have safety concerns for you and your children, this course may not be appropriate.
Please click here for additional resources.
About This Course
A Message to Parents
Being a parent has its joys and rewards, but it also requires work and patience and, at times, can be frustrating. When you separate from your spouse or partner or divorce you will face new challenges, both as an individual and as a parent. Your children will also be affected by your breakup and will need your understanding and help to adjust to the family changes. Even though your relationship with your spouse or partner is ending, you will still both be the parents of your children. For the sake of your children, you have to continue to be a responsible parent at what may be a difficult time in your own life.
This online program has been created by merging:
• the New York Parent Education and Awareness Program - which provides information about parenting, and
• the New Ways for Families method - which provides many practice exercises, to support you in developing very helpful co-parenting skills.
This online program is offered to help you better understand the effects of your breakup on your children and to give you information and ideas about how you can make this new family situation easier and more livable for yourself and your children. Your children can come through the separation or divorce process and develop into healthy, well-adjusted individuals. There is a great deal over which you, as parents, have control. This is a summary of the material covered in parent education classes. As you read through it, keep in mind that you, your children, and your situation are unique. Not everything in the course will apply to you or your situation. You need to pick and choose the information that is useful and appropriate for you, your children, and your situation.
What Parents Can Do To Help Their Children
There are three important things for you, as a parent, to focus on to help your children through the separation or divorce and to provide ongoing support:
- YOU — you need to take care of yourself so you can parent effectively and be a role model for your children;
- YOUR CHILDREN — you need to have good relationships with your children and provide them with structure, stability, support, and appropriate care; and
- YOUR CHILDREN’S OTHER PARENT — you need to work out the best way to communicate with your children’s other parent and to keep your children out of the middle of your conflicts and disagreements.
To help you help your children and work with your co-parent, this class will focus on the four big skills for life that will give you success even in difficult times. We also call these the four New Ways skills because they help you deal with situations in new ways. These are skills you can teach your children. They can learn and use these for a lifetime, especially because they're going to face new situations that none of us have heard of before. They're also going to face difficult situations at times in their life, so learning these skills now, especially in a difficult time, will really help them to have confidence and skills for the future.
The Four Big Skills are:
- Managed emotions
- Flexible thinking
- Moderate behaviors
- Checking yourself
Over this course you will learn how to use these skills to help you solve problems with your children and with your co-parent, with a sense of calmness and confidence. Using these skills, you may earn the respect of your children and your co-parent – even one who seems impossible. But remember, this class is not designed for situations involving domestic violence, where you are not encouraged to be dealing directly with your co-parent.
If you feel you are a victim of domestic violence or you have serious safety or health concerns for you and your children, this course may not be appropriate. Please click here for a directory of resources for the state of New York.
For a Domestic Violence screening, or if you have any questions
please call Family Kind at: 1-212-769-3057
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
www.domesticviolencehotline.com
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224
The New York State Domestic Violence Hotline
www.opdv.ny.gov/help/dvhotlines.html
New York State Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline
1-800-942-6906
English & español/Multi-language Accessibility. Deaf or Hard of Hearing: 711
www.domesticviolencehotline.com
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224
The New York State Domestic Violence Hotline
www.opdv.ny.gov/help/dvhotlines.html
New York State Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline
1-800-942-6906
English & español/Multi-language Accessibility. Deaf or Hard of Hearing: 711
